I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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