Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
