Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
