I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
