stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
