I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize