kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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