I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
