A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
