May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
