Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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