Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
