im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
COCAINE IS GR8
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize