I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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