my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize