I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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