I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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