Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
