i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
