woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need to calm my uterus...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize