dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
