help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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