I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
