My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
