I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
