why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
