you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
