**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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