Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
