I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
