Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
