Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
