Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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