I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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