Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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