If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
