I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
