hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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