the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize