Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
