he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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