Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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