Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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