I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
