I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
