ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
