"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
