dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
