Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
