The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
