So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
