I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
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