My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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