and you said cock pushups were impossible
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
