I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
is wine microwaveable?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you had me at cake vodka
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
