so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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