i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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