I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
