he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize