I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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