What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize