I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
