hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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