I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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