i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
