Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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